This was lovely, Anna. When I read pieces like this I'm always struck by how different people have different pieces. Nobody has it all. For example, I've found my wonderful partner, and great friends, but not the right place to live the 'big life' I've long dreamt of. Nobody gets every piece, in other words.
I've also written two books. I'm not sure how I'd have felt if I hadn't, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. I guess having written them feels like I once shoved a very hard pole down into some hard mud. Satisfying, and still there. Of my achievements, they feel the most lasting, but it's all relative. The feeling is 'I'm glad I did that as opposed to not doing it.'
I only recently found out about Interintellect and signed up, to dip my toe in and test the waters, in hopes it could be a place for good dialogue and connection that can be so rare in the world right now.
Reading your post, especially this part (below) made me even more excited about your work and the opportunities you're building at Interintellect:
"I still find myself very much outside categories, too much of a founder for the intellectuals, too much of a cultural weirdo for the founders, too “woman” for this gatekeeper, too old for that one, too poor for this dinner, too rich for that circle … Too close to some billionaire for this conference, not close enough to another billionaire for that retreat organizer. Too foreigner, too centrist, too quiet, too loud, too acquiescing, too defensive, too religious-curious, not devout enough — this one wants from me more than I have; this one finds me too needy —; there is always something, and I have recently just given up trying to figure it out. I wish I was more legible, but at what cost? What has to go, which part of the truth? Which parts of the self…?!"
I too feel these things deeply, the "you're too ___" feeling when trying to fit into boxes. These are such strong shared parts of a human journey!
It's always worth it for me to keep trying, despite the at-times-awkward-and-frustrating moments, as I want to keep learning my whole life, and learning is so deeply relational.
The avalanche of quick-takes in social media posts and the us-vs-them-thinking stoked by leaders . . . none of these will move us forward on the things that really matter.
The world needs more spaces for good dialogue and deep learning to grow. Thank you for courageously and thoughtfully building space for that!
Anna, some observations from an old guy who 1) has been much less ambitious than you 2) is not as intelligent as you but 3) understands much of what you’re saying. So to respond to some of your reflections:
1) "When I decided to become well-read and well-spoken, at 5? Looking the volume and violence of my family straight in the eye and teaching myself how to be articulate and calm because only that stopped the one shouting? “
Response: Wow. What I remember of age 5 is skin allergies and fearfulness. And yearning for a light in the dark. A couple of years earlier, just before my sister was born, my parents asked if I wanted to name my sister. I suggested “Candle” though could not have articulated why and they settled on “Candy” (which she changed as soon as she knew she could). Only recently in my late 70’s have I realized that the name expressed my yearning, even then, for that light in the dark. It was less intellectual than a longing of the heart. Perhaps yearning for a companion of light to emerge from the Mystery of Life and existence.
2) "I wanted to be where I belong, where I am not the odd one out. This ended up taking a very long time….I also thought Interintellect would place me into a professional community similar to what I grew up in among the TV studios of my parents, with deep friendships and love, people hanging out together, a lot of collaborations year after year…. I still find myself very much outside categories… I wish I was more legible, but at what cost? What has to go, which part of the truth….I definitely feel outside, above, and below most currents of thought. Some of these relationships are a lot of work too, which is surprising and sometimes humiliating to me: I always thought I would be in demand. I always thought that if you work, think, and choose well then these quasi-familial bonds of learning and enjoying-thinking-together somehow would arise organically out of life. That if you invite you will be invited. That if you love you will be loved. “
Response: I think you will appreciate the following quote, changed by me from the original 3rd person to the 1st person, from Clare Carlisle’s biography of Soren Kierkegaard, entitled, “Philosopher of the Heart: The Restless Life of Soren Kierkegaard”:
"There is something contradictory about being a human in the world. Our social relationships shape our life and form our self-consciousness., but the way we appear to others never quite matches our inward truth. We are on display, seen and judged and yet our inability to fully disclose ourselves makes us feel alone. Human existence is at once inescapably public and intensely private. And the deeper a person’s inner life, the more profound this contradiction becomes.”
I also think that your search for belonging originates in a yearning for God that is barely expressible because it’s so deep within us as human beings and even the most intelligent person in our materialistic society has no vocabulary to express it. Perhaps the closest observation to getting it right was Rumi’s, “The yearning for God in the human heart is the Presence of God yearning for Himself.” That is, the Source of Truth and Unity within our hearts yearns to return Home. Or as the late contemporary Sufi sage, Sheikh M.R. Bawa Muhaiyaddeen (ral) said, “Man [That is, the Human Being, not the male] has been created as the most exalted one. For that Man, God is the only One.”
Hate to be the bearer of such news, but I suspect that’s what you’re dealing with, in your Heart of hearts. Doesn’t mean the work of “building better discourse” has no value; it does mean that you are unlikely to find your Home in intellectual discourse. However, whether my observation is correct or not, I pray that God will fulfill your true aspirations.
Bravo for your public honesty. This piece really puts your heart out there. And your commitments. Wow! I wish you much success in manifesting the yearnings closest to your heart.
This was lovely, Anna. When I read pieces like this I'm always struck by how different people have different pieces. Nobody has it all. For example, I've found my wonderful partner, and great friends, but not the right place to live the 'big life' I've long dreamt of. Nobody gets every piece, in other words.
I've also written two books. I'm not sure how I'd have felt if I hadn't, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. I guess having written them feels like I once shoved a very hard pole down into some hard mud. Satisfying, and still there. Of my achievements, they feel the most lasting, but it's all relative. The feeling is 'I'm glad I did that as opposed to not doing it.'
You’re an inspiration
(+ it‘s going to happen)
this was lovely to read ♥️
Thank you Anna for this thoughtful post!
I only recently found out about Interintellect and signed up, to dip my toe in and test the waters, in hopes it could be a place for good dialogue and connection that can be so rare in the world right now.
Reading your post, especially this part (below) made me even more excited about your work and the opportunities you're building at Interintellect:
"I still find myself very much outside categories, too much of a founder for the intellectuals, too much of a cultural weirdo for the founders, too “woman” for this gatekeeper, too old for that one, too poor for this dinner, too rich for that circle … Too close to some billionaire for this conference, not close enough to another billionaire for that retreat organizer. Too foreigner, too centrist, too quiet, too loud, too acquiescing, too defensive, too religious-curious, not devout enough — this one wants from me more than I have; this one finds me too needy —; there is always something, and I have recently just given up trying to figure it out. I wish I was more legible, but at what cost? What has to go, which part of the truth? Which parts of the self…?!"
I too feel these things deeply, the "you're too ___" feeling when trying to fit into boxes. These are such strong shared parts of a human journey!
It's always worth it for me to keep trying, despite the at-times-awkward-and-frustrating moments, as I want to keep learning my whole life, and learning is so deeply relational.
The avalanche of quick-takes in social media posts and the us-vs-them-thinking stoked by leaders . . . none of these will move us forward on the things that really matter.
The world needs more spaces for good dialogue and deep learning to grow. Thank you for courageously and thoughtfully building space for that!
this was wonderful.
Thank you!
❤️❤️❤️
Great piece! The “ledger” is a fair but unforgiving lens…
786
Anna, some observations from an old guy who 1) has been much less ambitious than you 2) is not as intelligent as you but 3) understands much of what you’re saying. So to respond to some of your reflections:
1) "When I decided to become well-read and well-spoken, at 5? Looking the volume and violence of my family straight in the eye and teaching myself how to be articulate and calm because only that stopped the one shouting? “
Response: Wow. What I remember of age 5 is skin allergies and fearfulness. And yearning for a light in the dark. A couple of years earlier, just before my sister was born, my parents asked if I wanted to name my sister. I suggested “Candle” though could not have articulated why and they settled on “Candy” (which she changed as soon as she knew she could). Only recently in my late 70’s have I realized that the name expressed my yearning, even then, for that light in the dark. It was less intellectual than a longing of the heart. Perhaps yearning for a companion of light to emerge from the Mystery of Life and existence.
2) "I wanted to be where I belong, where I am not the odd one out. This ended up taking a very long time….I also thought Interintellect would place me into a professional community similar to what I grew up in among the TV studios of my parents, with deep friendships and love, people hanging out together, a lot of collaborations year after year…. I still find myself very much outside categories… I wish I was more legible, but at what cost? What has to go, which part of the truth….I definitely feel outside, above, and below most currents of thought. Some of these relationships are a lot of work too, which is surprising and sometimes humiliating to me: I always thought I would be in demand. I always thought that if you work, think, and choose well then these quasi-familial bonds of learning and enjoying-thinking-together somehow would arise organically out of life. That if you invite you will be invited. That if you love you will be loved. “
Response: I think you will appreciate the following quote, changed by me from the original 3rd person to the 1st person, from Clare Carlisle’s biography of Soren Kierkegaard, entitled, “Philosopher of the Heart: The Restless Life of Soren Kierkegaard”:
"There is something contradictory about being a human in the world. Our social relationships shape our life and form our self-consciousness., but the way we appear to others never quite matches our inward truth. We are on display, seen and judged and yet our inability to fully disclose ourselves makes us feel alone. Human existence is at once inescapably public and intensely private. And the deeper a person’s inner life, the more profound this contradiction becomes.”
I also think that your search for belonging originates in a yearning for God that is barely expressible because it’s so deep within us as human beings and even the most intelligent person in our materialistic society has no vocabulary to express it. Perhaps the closest observation to getting it right was Rumi’s, “The yearning for God in the human heart is the Presence of God yearning for Himself.” That is, the Source of Truth and Unity within our hearts yearns to return Home. Or as the late contemporary Sufi sage, Sheikh M.R. Bawa Muhaiyaddeen (ral) said, “Man [That is, the Human Being, not the male] has been created as the most exalted one. For that Man, God is the only One.”
Hate to be the bearer of such news, but I suspect that’s what you’re dealing with, in your Heart of hearts. Doesn’t mean the work of “building better discourse” has no value; it does mean that you are unlikely to find your Home in intellectual discourse. However, whether my observation is correct or not, I pray that God will fulfill your true aspirations.
really love this essay ❤️ going through a similar bookkeeping phase, with lots of regret, gratefulness and optimism (it can be exhausting sometimes!)
Thank you!
You matter to me!
Same ❤️❤️❤️
Bravo for your public honesty. This piece really puts your heart out there. And your commitments. Wow! I wish you much success in manifesting the yearnings closest to your heart.